“I have a difficult time talking to my mother. We used to have wonderful conversations. But the more her dementia advances, the less intelligent our conversations become. What do I say to her, especially when her sense of reality has changed so much?”
My mother lived with our family for twenty-six years, and several years before she died, she began telling “stories” which were patently untrue and she began showing other signs of mental confusion.The doctor confirmed what we suspected. She was, in fact, showing classic signs of dementia. Since they were young and uncertain how to respond to the stories and confusion, we decided (for everyone’s sake) that rather than fret about what could not be changed, we would simply find ways to enjoy the stories and the confusion.
We would not frustrate her by saying things such as, “Grandma, maybe you were dreaming, you could not have met Hillary Clinton at the Beauty Salon. She lives in Washington and you live in Connecticut.Maybe you saw someone who looked like her.” We would respond differently.Rather than frustrate her more as she tried to convince us that she most certainly had not had a dream or seen a double, we would just go, as it was, to “Grandma-land”. We would enjoy the moment and marvel at how amazing it was that she had met Hillary Clinton. (By the way, Grandma was a die hard Republican and had no use for any Democrat).
This is certainly not the only way to deal with such situations, but it was effective. It is not a direct answer to the question, “How do I talk with Mom?”But it does suggest a direction.As much as possible, enter the world of the person with dementia! Their reality is “reality” to them. It seems cruel to try to make them see the “truth”. Wherever they are at the moment is their truth!
About Jim Stinson
I first became an ordained member of the New York Conference of the United Methodist Church fifty years ago. Through my time with the pastoral ministry, I worked extensively with older adults, many of whom were members of my congregation. I also served as the Director of Spiritual Life for United Methodist Homes from July 2002 until my retirement in July 2015, providing guidance and support to residents, family members, and staff. I love reminding people that “old” is not a dirty word and encourage others to adopt a healthy perspective on aging. I am also the author of a book, Just Because I Am Old – A Practical and Theological Guide To Caring, which was recently published in 2014.
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